"Better than I deserved."

The right thing to do was to say "God gave me so much grace last year," or that "last year conferred a heap load of lessons and wisdom."

But honestly? sometimes, I just wanted to throw my hands up and say "screw it. I hated last year, and a lot of it felt like a huge waste...last year sucked."

I wrestled a lot with the Lord in 2014 (much due to my own rebellious heart), and felt like a spoiled toddler throwing tantrums and stomping her feet. I did not want to feel the hurt. I did not want to wake up in pain every day with a billion questions making me feel so small all the time.

What I realized was.. it wasn't that I just didn't want to hurt, or ache...................................but that, I felt like I didn't deserve it. I felt entitled. .. the worst part is, I don't think I realized it up until now.

A few moments ago, I stumbled across this website by a wonderful artist by the name of Austin Kleon. Here was his latest blog post:

Suddenly, I felt so quieted, and honestly, a little ashamed that I've had so much arrogance with God, and didn't even know it. God speaks to me in the most surprising ways, but I find that the ones that resonate with me most are the times when it's unexpected; likened to a drop of ink distilled into a clear jar of water. It seeps into it slowly, beautifully, and eventually, it changes the whole batch of liquid. I'm thanking God tonight for reminding me that.. last year wasn't a waste. Last year was filled with more grace, lessons, and wisdom "than I deserved."