I block most memories when they are too painful. But I always remember this like it was yesterday. A boy I loved finally got a small chance with the girl he TRULY loved, which I came to find was not me. And that night, as I waited for the return calls that never came, as I held the breaths that never wanted to exhale, it was then that the truth dawned on me. I remember crying and having to peel myself off the floor, wishing that there had been an invisible call that I'd somehow missed.
Then I got a little older and swore that I'd never let anyone make me feel that way again. Yet, here I am, with different circumstances and different people. But this time is different. There is no more crying, and all the self-pitying in the world is not an option. I KNOW God is teaching me something. Even if this all ends well, I know that He loves me and this hurt is "to heal." I've been so broken inside and haven't realized till recently. Even if I'm believing in a lie, sometimes I wonder if its better to believe the lie so you can prepare yourself for reality later...or live in naivety and be crushed when honesty hits you like a pair of bricks. Either way, I refuse not to trust God anymore. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."
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